This is Home : Part 1

I left the office today a little after 5:30 p.m. Golden sunlight lit up the autumn colors dotting Madison, flushing vibrance into leaves and contrasting the shadows cast by buildings, cars parked along the curb, and the people walking from the former to the latter. As I drove back to the Country Inn & Suites where I'd been staying on and off for the past month, the Switchfoot song "This is Home" came on over 102.5. I'd only heard the song 387 time before, but for whatever reason, the lyrics resonated with me today, and shucks-a-doozey it reminded me that I'm wayyy overdue for a blog update.

{Refresher for your Pleasure}

All through college, the one question all new people asked was, "So where are you from?" Ugh. I hated that question. You see, as I'm sure most of you are aware, I don't have a pretty answer for that. My first handful of years were spent as an army brat; when I was nine my mom packed up my sis and me and whisked us off to Kansas, leaving my dad in Wisconsin. From then on I spent the school year at mom's, and the summers and larger holidays at dad's. My work and summer beach memories were ingrained in WI; my formative school days and self-stretching was founded in KS; how could I exclusively claim one as 'home,' when they, in some sense to me, both were? ... But how do you explain all that to a politely curious stranger without going into an autobiographical monologue? Some days I was simply from "The moon."

Recap: For those of you unaware, I graduated from university this past May with my B.A. in English. Come mid June, I began working for a company called Hartung Brothers Inc., which I'd gotten my foot in the door with two years ago as a summer job. HBI contracts with canning companies such as Del Monte, Green Giant, Seneca Foods, etc. to grow raw vegetable and root crops such as peas, green beans, lima beans, sweet corn, cucumbers, peppers, beets, carrots, and seed corn. [I wish she'd demanded a quarter for every person who asked how an English major ended up with an agronomy job. We could have paid off her student loans by now.] Because my employment is seasonal, I expected to work with HBI through early August at best. The idea my brain cooked up was to work until they quit paying me (a.k.a. when harvest was over), figuring it would be a good opportunity to earn some money right away after graduation so I'd be okay when student loans kicked in come November, and in the meantime hunt for a job in my field of study. Welll... I started in peas in central Wisconsin, and ended in peas in Door County, WI. For peas I was the crew van driver (imagine being the only girl driving around a van of 12 men at noon and midnight every day... 2 crews of 12 men each, 6 migrants and 6 WI locals per crew) [Crikes has she got some stories...], and a pre-grade inspector (which meant I was getting up at the crack of dawn to pick and run samples from numerous fields, which determined what fields were ready to be harvested).

When peas wrapped up in early August (as anticipated), I was thrilled to learn my supervisors were pleased with my work ethic, and after a brief interview with my supervisors' boss, I was asked to stay on for snap beans as a pre-grade and load grade inspector (load grades determined the quality of the beans actually being harvested/shipped to the canning companies, and locked in what the grower would be paid). In addition to having more hours, I was given a company vehicle (a beautiful white 2010 chevy silverado pickup) [Which she affectionately named Kelvin], a company gas card (wheee! no more paying for gas!!), and a company cell phone (and this is all in addition to the fact that HBI was already covering my housing since I started with them). [Needless to say, she was feeling very spoiled. In a good way.] I worked with snap beans in Door County, WI, and on days that were slower for snap beans, I also helped my previous supervisors from peas with the lima bean pre-grading, which was going on at the same time.

Nearing the end of DC snap beans, word on the street was that the people working with seed corn in central WI and in the Arena, WI, area were planning on stealing me. Sure enough, once the beans had only a couple fields left to harvest, I was told to drive down to central WI again and work with the seed corn people--without really being told anything about what I'd be doing or how long I'd be gone for. I ended up filling out Bill of Lading reports in the field, and coordinated between the dump-cart drivers, semi truck drivers, and dispatch, making sure the correct trucks left in the correct order with the correct trailer numbers and amount of seed corn for the processing plant. It was by far the easiest thing I'd had to do so far for HBI, since I was basically sitting in an air conditioned vehicle in a corn field all day [being hit on by truck drivers], as opposed to trekking through pea or bean fields at 5 a.m. pulling samples.

When seed corn started slowing down the last week of September, I figured I was finally done (and would have to find a more permanent job). September 24th & 25th I had my first weekend off since I'd started working back in June. The friday before was my last day in seed corn, and on monday I was supposed to have a meeting with the head of HR and my peas/beans boss in the corporate office in Madison. At the meeting, the HR head surprised me by asking if I'd like to accompany him to university career fairs over the next month. The two of us would represent the company while searching out intern candidates for next summer. We ended up going to universities in Wisconsin, Illinois, and Iowa. In addition to that, my peas/beans boss had some office/computer projects he was hoping I could tackle for him, so between career fairs and said projects, I've been either on the road or working out of the corporate office in Madison this past month. I've been told by both the HR head and my boss that they would like me back next year starting in early spring, which is a good feeling, because I don't have to worry about floundering for a job if something else doesn't come up this winter. And I've highly enjoyed spending these past few weeks getting to know the people in the office, and was thrilled to have other women to talk to after X solid months of working with only males. It's funny how an 8 to 5 job feels so easy after working 8 to 18 hour days in the field. Done at 5? So early? Crazy!

And that brings us full circle.

So what makes today's drive from the office to the hotel significant? Why did the nearly-abused and overplayed Switchfoot song strike a chord today? Well... because tomorrow is my last day with HBI for the season. After tomorrow... I'm going home.

I've been living out of a suit case [lies! duffle bag.] since June, and my company truck has become a wardrobe on wheels. [And yes, I've been with Snowl this entire time. I can vouch for this.] I've met a ton of wonderful people in each division I've worked in, and I know some of them will stick with me even when I'm gone. [What would we do without facebook and email?] I was even blessed enough this past month+ to get to know an amazing young man who has officially raised the bar in my dating standards... he reminded me that there are good, hard working men in the world who know how to treat women like the precious souls they are; I hope our paths cross many, many more times.

While working for Hartung, whenever I was on the road 'away from home,' I received a per diem to cover basic food expenses. But their version of 'home' qualified as anywhere with family; so staying with my dad, with a cousin in Madison, at an Aunt's campsite, at a friend's in the area... these all qualified as 'home.'

Now it's time to go 'home': back to Door County, where my vehicle has been sitting since beans; back to Sturgeon Bay, where my dad and the kiddos are waiting for a send-off; up to the U.P. in Michigan, to see my grandparents I wasn't able to visit with all summer because of crazy work schedules; back to Springfield (swinging through a couple other MO towns to see dear friends on the way!) to revisit all my wonderful peeps still holding down the fort; and finally back to Kansas, to see my cat. [Ha.] ...and my mom, sis, and family there too, of course. <3 Because this (as in, all of the above, everywhere that holds someone I love), this is home.

(Un)conditional?

[rant=blogpost: What is conditional friendship?]

When something of the same theme pops up in my life on multiple occasions in a short time frame, I try to take notice. Lately, something of the same theme has popped up in my life on multiple occasions, so this is me taking notice.

Unconditional - (adjective) - not limited by conditions; absolute; without conditions or limitations; total.

On three separate occasions involving three separate people, the question of 'how far is too far?' arose in the context of maintaining a friendship. How far will you let someone push you until you've been pushed over the edge? How many arguments does it take for the bad to outweigh the good? How much emotional turmoil must the pendulum mix before you simply decide to cut your losses, and choose to remove a problem-person from your life?

What makes a friendship worth fighting for?

... what makes a friendship not worth fighting for?

Honestly, before last weekend, I'd never really given this issue much thought. My parents are divorced. They found that line where they decided things were no longer worth fighting for... or perhaps they simply made that line, drew it in the dirt, played hop scotch, and declared they crossed it, because "finding" that line can be so much simpler than trying to work things out.

Where do we draw the line?

... should we draw the line?

... does the line need to be drawn, or does it pre-exist?

I mentioned three people and three occasions. We'll dub Occasion 1 as "Alice and Conan," Occasion 2 as "Bob and Cindy," and Occasion 3 as "Ned and Minnie." I'll give you the breakdown, and you tell me where the line is.

Occasion 1: Alice and Conan

Alice and Conan met through a school field trip to candy land and quickly hit off a witty-sweet friendship. They both spoke to friends about the romantic possibilities with the other, and in a short time, most of their friends thought they would date. However, Conan was forced away from Alice to toil through the sweaty labors of the dust fields for a period, and although both still speculated about the possibilities with each other, nothing conclusive was decided. In Conan's absence Alice met Peter, who seemed so darn perfect, and she simply could not let him slip through her fingers. Conan, away in the dust fields, heard of Alice's new love, and lost hope... until Peter proved imperfect, and Alice began confiding in Conan her Peter-problems. This renewed emotional intimacy gave Conan hope, but he told the heart-shattered Alice that he would not pursue her until she was ready for him. He would, however, try to show her the grace and unconditional love he believed she deserved. Alice, in turn, quickly rebounded to Peter.v2.0, since Conan was still so far away... Conan, bewildered at this whirlwind flip, attempted to maintain a friendship, but hope was quickly dying. When v2.0 started showing similar glitches to v1.0 and Alice again turned to Conan for tech support, Conan realized the nature of what he was dealing with, and when he realized the friendship he was attempting to maintain was filled with Alice's romantic drama that shouldn't have existed had she simply waited for him in the first place, he quit. The line was drawn.

Occasion 2: Bob and Cindy

Bob and Cindy were both cadets at Star Command. Bob and Cindy's paths zigzagged in several ways, but they didn't click until an exploratory field trip to Saturn made them realize all the nerdy qualities they had in common. Over the next three months on furlough following the trip, the two spent ample amounts of time together, Bob frequently calling Cindy to come visit his star-ship and discuss strategical fantasy mechanics. Bob even kidnapped Cindy to relieve her stress when her new hover-glider broke down, and the two ended up talking all night until dawn re-laced the sky with light. They laughed together, schemed together, competed, and even cooked together. Early on, Cindy wondered at the possibility of a romantic endeavor with Bob, but after spending more time with him, she quickly realized she would be more likely to cut out his tongue due to chauvinistic remarks than to ever let hers get anywhere near it. Plus, she couldn't help but notice Bob's overall belief that women weren't fit to serve Star Command, and his general disliking for women further discouraged any ulterior motives Cindy may have otherwise fancied. Bob himself stated he was too goals-driven to bother with romance. However, she still delighted in his playful company, and when the time approached to return to Star Command, she looked forward to the adventures they could share. Bob, on the other hand, was on a different page. Toward the end of their furlough, Bob and Cindy had a disagreement about the properties of space-time travel in relation to an individual being's punctuality concepts. This argument occurred in close proximity to a misunderstanding between Bob and Cindy that followed the lines of Bob thinking Cindy was romantically interested in him, and Cindy laughing hysterically and putting an upfront 'no' on the table in regards to it. Thinking the issue resolved, Cindy was a mite surprised when Bob didn't call on her the following week. To her complete surprise, after said arguments, Bob cut off all communication with Cindy for the next month. Even after returning to Star Command, Bob only acknowledged Cindy when cadet coursework required it. Cindy, completely flabbergasted, attempted to alienate and mend the problem, but Bob was done. He ignored her messages and attempts at mending whatever went wrong. Without Cindy knowing why, he'd drawn the line.

Occasion 3: Ned and Minnie

Ned and Minnie never actually met, but they mind-melded on numerous occasions throughout their five year cyber-friendship. Both worked as moderators in a virtual reality world that Minnie created, and through this project the two became good friends. However, Ned frequently found fault with other players or moderators in the virtual world, and he always text-screamed his anger at Minnie. Minnie normally laugh-shrugged off Ned's rants, not taking them personally, until Ned would retaliate with a personal jab. This normally resulted in Minnie trying to apologize for whatever was bothering Ned, and she would try to get him to talk to her about the root of the issue, since normally the problems were flooding in from issues happening outside the virtual reality. Ned, in turn, would be overcome with guilt for his actions or words toward Minnie, and said guilt would morph into a different type of anger, and said process would repeat. These disagreements always blew over with time, and Ned and Minnie always managed to remain friends despite them. A week after celebrating the virtual reality's five year anniversary, Ned and Minnie had another fight. Mutual friends of the two viewed it as like any other time, until Ned sent Minnie a message saying he was done, that he had outgrown the virtual world, and that this was goodbye. Minnie flipped--no way was she letting Ned slip away that easily, not without a fight. A whole day went into trying to make contact with Ned, and finally, in the late evening, Ned consented to talk. Ned wanted to talk, however, not to resolve the little virtual issue that sent him off the wall (which he admitted was his own fault), but because he simply didn't understand something: in their five years of friendship, even though they had never actually met, every time Ned flipped out at Minnie, Minnie always quickly forgave him and tried to fix the problem. She never gave up on him. Even that day, when he admitted she did nothing wrong, she was apologizing to him to try to make things right. "Why?" he asked. "Why are you apologizing to me, when I'm the one who did you wrong, insulted you, insulted your creation, and made you cry?" Minnie sat back a moment, considering. "I didn't know what else to do," she replied. "All I ever do is cause you issues," Ned argued. "Why put up with me? What makes this friendship worth saving? All my life I've had people look down on me, and tell me I'm not worth their time. The people I know in real life don't care about me, so why should you?" Minnie prickled. "I'm still a real person, Ned. Just because we know each other through the internet doesn't mean I'm not real." The conversation progressed from there. Ned confessed to Minnie how he had used the virtual world as a substitute for the real one he didn't find any joy in, and how he relied on the community of the virtual world--Minnie's world--to provide the support and friendship he needed. But he also realized he was allowing his pains from his real world pour into the virtual one, and since the problems were never resolved, only transfered, then his anger at those problems was also transfered to the virtual world, and normally ended up coming out aimed at the virtual world's owner, Minnie. Yet Minnie always forgave him, and tried to fix the relationship, and even encouraged him, and he just didn't understand why, when he considered himself the cause of so much of her unnecessary griefs. Whenever Ned tried to draw the line, Minnie dusted it away and said not a chance. Hence, Ned asked, "What makes a friendship worth fighting for?"

That question is what this blog post is about. What makes a friendship, or any relationship, worth fighting for? When do you draw the line? Do you draw the line? Is the line already there, and you just have to reach it...?

For me, I know that I've screwed up time and time and time and time and time and time again, yet for whatever reason, people still humor me with their company. I've had people hurt me in turn, but, the way I see it, I can either go 'ouch!' and cut them off, or I can ask them what caused them to lash out in the first place. What is it they are struggling with that makes them behave the way they do? Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect! My first instinct is usually to strike back. (Snowl: *OW-OW-OW-GRRR* Wheresmybullwhip?Commereyoufartmuffin! *tackles*) When someone hurts us, our pride gets bruised, our defenses go up, and we want our revenge, dang it! [But let's analyze that, shall we? Our our our. When did everything become self-revolving? Hmm... last I checked, relationships were about others... ... So why do our claws come out whenever things don't go how we want them to?]

If there is anything the Salvation story teaches us, it's that everyone hurts... you think it felt good to have those metal spikes driven through his wrists? "Father, Forgive them..." [Remix if it were Snowl: ??? Father, where's the lightning? Where's the thunder? Where's the epic-sized hail?? Forgive them? Love them? What??] ... ... ... why? [Little Voice Inside: What do we have that makes our relationship so worth fighting for? worth dying for? What, God? Why do you put up with us?]

So what was our original question again? Oh, right: Where's the line? [*mumble*70x7 or something*mumblemumble*]

Occasion 3: Ned and Minnie - Ned wonders what it is about Minnie that makes her actions toward him different from everyone else. Minnie shares with him about her God, who, despite all the wrongs and hurts Minnie has caused Him through her bumblings, always forgives her when she asks and recognizes she has done wrong. Because of the Love she has learned from her relationship with her God, and His constant Grace, she tries to show that same love and grace to others as best as His Spirit, working through her, will allow...

I didn't want this to get all preachy, but I keep seeing Christians willingly and knowingly throw away relationships with broken people* who need the grace and love of God that we supposedly represent in this world, and they do it because the broken person is just too much for them to handle, or too messed up, or is too different from said Christian, or has 'trespassed against' the Christian too many times. ... [Pardon me while I scream into my pillow.] Every excuse diverts back to the Christian's self-needs, failed ulterior motives, desires, or dislikes. [[Little Voice Inside: Get over yourSELF!]] Last I checked, being a Christian isn't about one's SELF.

[*also, please note that all people are broken people. This isn't just about the unchurched. Splits happen in the church all the freakin' time. (All have fallen short... remember?)]

Sooo yeah... IMHO, that 'line' has been crossed out. [And yes, that is a pun.]

[/rant]

Reflections

I would be concerned at my lack of blogging lately, but it seems Orville picked up the slack for me... floppy little punk.

It's odd how a sudden lack of drama in one's life results in fewer blog rants. ... Actually, I suppose it isn't that odd. That said, there is (happily?) less drama in my life these days. Christmas break was wonderfully relaxing, my migraines finally ceased and I'm off the RX for them, and my darling roomie (now suitie) is back this semester. On top of that, I've only got 2 required classes left to graduate, meaning the rest of my final semester of college is filled up with fun art classes (huzzah!). Epiphany is still swinging, I'm still working in the PR office at the university, and I still sit in on floor council meetings to add my random comments and quirky remarks. Overall, things look promising for these final months at Evangel.

In retrospect, there are several moments since my last blog post that weigh on me with dull pangs of loss yet fondness. I'll treasure the memory of that silly boy who partnered with me in swing dancing, at first restrained, yet, after being told by the instructor that this was his chance to toss me around a bit, suddenly energetic and in command. I'll smile fondly at my pensieve when watching another instructor ask to borrow me for a demonstration, and how my partner at first refused to share me, and how he stepped up his efforts and aggressiveness to learn the steps after said cut-in. I'll remember the Wednesday getaways, stealing off to the nature center for a picnic and walk (and homework that was never touched).

I'll always smile at the image of that silly turnip with a sharpied face, the words "Harvest Fest?" inked on the back. I grin at fights to be king/queen of the hill/rock in Jordan Valley park, and random reading sessions on blankets in parks throughout Springfield. I roll my eyes at the silly Skype convos, whether deep or random banter, and how the program so enjoyed cutting out at its pleasure, leaving us to grumble and groan. I'll remember the mutual growth, and the conversations that let us push each other.

Who can forget anime nights? or dinner at the wise ol' Prof's? Death Note. ftw.

I'll remember the darker times too, when friends fell on low spirits and called, when the best way to speak was through words on a white board, and chocolate proved (as usual) priceless.

But there were highlights! Hello, Renfest!! The lovely "Renee" in gold and red threads, the small-one (who I still family:optima should have bought those elf ears!), and of course, the boyzz whom we dragged through it all (you know they loved it, if nothing else, then for those naughty-dirty pirates). HA! Wonderful times.

imho, the fall semester of 2010 was the most difficult I had to plough through in my college career, and I feel as if I didn't escape it completely unscarred--but scrapes help us grow, no?

Perhaps this isn't the most insightful blog I've posted, but I wanted to preserve, in type, some memories from this past year. I'm excited for what the following months hold, and I'm grateful for the people on this journey with me.

Onward, to the CENTER of the EARTH! (or at least to graduation in May!)