[rant=blogpost: What is conditional friendship?]
When something of the same theme pops up in my life on multiple occasions in a short time frame, I try to take notice. Lately, something of the same theme has popped up in my life on multiple occasions, so this is me taking notice.
Unconditional - (adjective) - not limited by conditions; absolute; without conditions or limitations; total.
On three separate occasions involving three separate people, the question of 'how far is too far?' arose in the context of maintaining a friendship. How far will you let someone push you until you've been pushed over the edge? How many arguments does it take for the bad to outweigh the good? How much emotional turmoil must the pendulum mix before you simply decide to cut your losses, and choose to remove a problem-person from your life?
What makes a friendship worth fighting for?
... what makes a friendship not worth fighting for?
Honestly, before last weekend, I'd never really given this issue much thought. My parents are divorced. They found that line where they decided things were no longer worth fighting for... or perhaps they simply made that line, drew it in the dirt, played hop scotch, and declared they crossed it, because "finding" that line can be so much simpler than trying to work things out.
Where do we draw the line?
... should we draw the line?
... does the line need to be drawn, or does it pre-exist?
I mentioned three people and three occasions. We'll dub Occasion 1 as "Alice and Conan," Occasion 2 as "Bob and Cindy," and Occasion 3 as "Ned and Minnie." I'll give you the breakdown, and you tell me where the line is.
Occasion 1: Alice and Conan
Alice and Conan met through a school field trip to candy land and quickly hit off a witty-sweet friendship. They both spoke to friends about the romantic possibilities with the other, and in a short time, most of their friends thought they would date. However, Conan was forced away from Alice to toil through the sweaty labors of the dust fields for a period, and although both still speculated about the possibilities with each other, nothing conclusive was decided. In Conan's absence Alice met Peter, who seemed so darn perfect, and she simply could not let him slip through her fingers. Conan, away in the dust fields, heard of Alice's new love, and lost hope... until Peter proved imperfect, and Alice began confiding in Conan her Peter-problems. This renewed emotional intimacy gave Conan hope, but he told the heart-shattered Alice that he would not pursue her until she was ready for him. He would, however, try to show her the grace and unconditional love he believed she deserved. Alice, in turn, quickly rebounded to Peter.v2.0, since Conan was still so far away... Conan, bewildered at this whirlwind flip, attempted to maintain a friendship, but hope was quickly dying. When v2.0 started showing similar glitches to v1.0 and Alice again turned to Conan for tech support, Conan realized the nature of what he was dealing with, and when he realized the friendship he was attempting to maintain was filled with Alice's romantic drama that shouldn't have existed had she simply waited for him in the first place, he quit. The line was drawn.
Occasion 2: Bob and Cindy
Bob and Cindy were both cadets at Star Command. Bob and Cindy's paths zigzagged in several ways, but they didn't click until an exploratory field trip to Saturn made them realize all the nerdy qualities they had in common. Over the next three months on furlough following the trip, the two spent ample amounts of time together, Bob frequently calling Cindy to come visit his star-ship and discuss strategical fantasy mechanics. Bob even kidnapped Cindy to relieve her stress when her new hover-glider broke down, and the two ended up talking all night until dawn re-laced the sky with light. They laughed together, schemed together, competed, and even cooked together. Early on, Cindy wondered at the possibility of a romantic endeavor with Bob, but after spending more time with him, she quickly realized she would be more likely to cut out his tongue due to chauvinistic remarks than to ever let hers get anywhere near it. Plus, she couldn't help but notice Bob's overall belief that women weren't fit to serve Star Command, and his general disliking for women further discouraged any ulterior motives Cindy may have otherwise fancied. Bob himself stated he was too goals-driven to bother with romance. However, she still delighted in his playful company, and when the time approached to return to Star Command, she looked forward to the adventures they could share. Bob, on the other hand, was on a different page. Toward the end of their furlough, Bob and Cindy had a disagreement about the properties of space-time travel in relation to an individual being's punctuality concepts. This argument occurred in close proximity to a misunderstanding between Bob and Cindy that followed the lines of Bob thinking Cindy was romantically interested in him, and Cindy laughing hysterically and putting an upfront 'no' on the table in regards to it. Thinking the issue resolved, Cindy was a mite surprised when Bob didn't call on her the following week. To her complete surprise, after said arguments, Bob cut off all communication with Cindy for the next month. Even after returning to Star Command, Bob only acknowledged Cindy when cadet coursework required it. Cindy, completely flabbergasted, attempted to alienate and mend the problem, but Bob was done. He ignored her messages and attempts at mending whatever went wrong. Without Cindy knowing why, he'd drawn the line.
Occasion 3: Ned and Minnie
Ned and Minnie never actually met, but they mind-melded on numerous occasions throughout their five year cyber-friendship. Both worked as moderators in a virtual reality world that Minnie created, and through this project the two became good friends. However, Ned frequently found fault with other players or moderators in the virtual world, and he always text-screamed his anger at Minnie. Minnie normally laugh-shrugged off Ned's rants, not taking them personally, until Ned would retaliate with a personal jab. This normally resulted in Minnie trying to apologize for whatever was bothering Ned, and she would try to get him to talk to her about the root of the issue, since normally the problems were flooding in from issues happening outside the virtual reality. Ned, in turn, would be overcome with guilt for his actions or words toward Minnie, and said guilt would morph into a different type of anger, and said process would repeat. These disagreements always blew over with time, and Ned and Minnie always managed to remain friends despite them. A week after celebrating the virtual reality's five year anniversary, Ned and Minnie had another fight. Mutual friends of the two viewed it as like any other time, until Ned sent Minnie a message saying he was done, that he had outgrown the virtual world, and that this was goodbye. Minnie flipped--no way was she letting Ned slip away that easily, not without a fight. A whole day went into trying to make contact with Ned, and finally, in the late evening, Ned consented to talk. Ned wanted to talk, however, not to resolve the little virtual issue that sent him off the wall (which he admitted was his own fault), but because he simply didn't understand something: in their five years of friendship, even though they had never actually met, every time Ned flipped out at Minnie, Minnie always quickly forgave him and tried to fix the problem. She never gave up on him. Even that day, when he admitted she did nothing wrong, she was apologizing to him to try to make things right. "Why?" he asked. "Why are you apologizing to me, when I'm the one who did you wrong, insulted you, insulted your creation, and made you cry?" Minnie sat back a moment, considering. "I didn't know what else to do," she replied. "All I ever do is cause you issues," Ned argued. "Why put up with me? What makes this friendship worth saving? All my life I've had people look down on me, and tell me I'm not worth their time. The people I know in real life don't care about me, so why should you?" Minnie prickled. "I'm still a real person, Ned. Just because we know each other through the internet doesn't mean I'm not real." The conversation progressed from there. Ned confessed to Minnie how he had used the virtual world as a substitute for the real one he didn't find any joy in, and how he relied on the community of the virtual world--Minnie's world--to provide the support and friendship he needed. But he also realized he was allowing his pains from his real world pour into the virtual one, and since the problems were never resolved, only transfered, then his anger at those problems was also transfered to the virtual world, and normally ended up coming out aimed at the virtual world's owner, Minnie. Yet Minnie always forgave him, and tried to fix the relationship, and even encouraged him, and he just didn't understand why, when he considered himself the cause of so much of her unnecessary griefs. Whenever Ned tried to draw the line, Minnie dusted it away and said not a chance. Hence, Ned asked, "What makes a friendship worth fighting for?"
That question is what this blog post is about. What makes a friendship, or any relationship, worth fighting for? When do you draw the line? Do you draw the line? Is the line already there, and you just have to reach it...?
For me, I know that I've screwed up time and time and time and time and time and time again, yet for whatever reason, people still humor me with their company. I've had people hurt me in turn, but, the way I see it, I can either go 'ouch!' and cut them off, or I can ask them what caused them to lash out in the first place. What is it they are struggling with that makes them behave the way they do? Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect! My first instinct is usually to strike back. (Snowl: *OW-OW-OW-GRRR* Wheresmybullwhip?Commereyoufartmuffin! *tackles*) When someone hurts us, our pride gets bruised, our defenses go up, and we want our revenge, dang it! [But let's analyze that, shall we? Our our our. When did everything become self-revolving? Hmm... last I checked, relationships were about others... ... So why do our claws come out whenever things don't go how we want them to?]
If there is anything the Salvation story teaches us, it's that everyone hurts... you think it felt good to have those metal spikes driven through his wrists? "Father, Forgive them..." [Remix if it were Snowl: ??? Father, where's the lightning? Where's the thunder? Where's the epic-sized hail?? Forgive them? Love them? What??] ... ... ... why? [Little Voice Inside: What do we have that makes our relationship so worth fighting for? worth dying for? What, God? Why do you put up with us?]
So what was our original question again? Oh, right: Where's the line? [*mumble*70x7 or something*mumblemumble*]
Occasion 3: Ned and Minnie - Ned wonders what it is about Minnie that makes her actions toward him different from everyone else. Minnie shares with him about her God, who, despite all the wrongs and hurts Minnie has caused Him through her bumblings, always forgives her when she asks and recognizes she has done wrong. Because of the Love she has learned from her relationship with her God, and His constant Grace, she tries to show that same love and grace to others as best as His Spirit, working through her, will allow...
I didn't want this to get all preachy, but I keep seeing Christians willingly and knowingly throw away relationships with broken people* who need the grace and love of God that we supposedly represent in this world, and they do it because the broken person is just too much for them to handle, or too messed up, or is too different from said Christian, or has 'trespassed against' the Christian too many times. ... [Pardon me while I scream into my pillow.] Every excuse diverts back to the Christian's self-needs, failed ulterior motives, desires, or dislikes. [[Little Voice Inside: Get over yourSELF!]] Last I checked, being a Christian isn't about one's SELF.
[*also, please note that all people are broken people. This isn't just about the unchurched. Splits happen in the church all the freakin' time. (All have fallen short... remember?)]
Sooo yeah... IMHO, that 'line' has been crossed out. [And yes, that is a pun.]
[/rant]
